The one aspect of motherhood that has surprised me most since becoming a mother is the guilt I feel nearly always. The guilt creeps in almost every day just after I have put the kids to bed and I am surrounded by silence. It seems to be the few minutes that my day stops and I can just be... The guilt is always there, but I am too busy to really feel it. In these few silent moments it consumes me... Then life begins again. The phone rings, the dog barks, life continues and the moment passes. Lost, until tomorrow...
I feel guilty that I didn't play enough today.
I feel guilty because I yelled.
I feel guilty because Madison does not get near as much one on one as Anthony once did.
I feel guilty that Anthony no longer has my undivided attention.
I feel guilty because I was on the phone instead of on the floor with them.
I feel guilty because I didn't read "Goodnight Moon" the twelfth time even though Anthony begged me too.
I feel guilty because they didn't eat enough veggies.
I feel guilty because i did not fully appreciate every single moment.
When I feel this guilt, I just want to run upstairs grab both of my babies, hold them tight and live in the moment.... Each night I vow that I will be better. Then, the day begins and it is more of the same. I strive to be perfect, but perfection is not possible. I know I do my best, but I often feel that it is not enough...
Guilt. This is what has surprised me most since becoming a mother.